Home > Weekend Feature, Weird and Interesting > Bacon-flavored mania hits a new low with sunscreen, condoms

Bacon-flavored mania hits a new low with sunscreen, condoms

Greasy Bacon cooking on the grill

Bacon makes everything better, or so the saying used to go, until bacon started escaping our burgers and breakfast plates and making its way into our desserts, our spreads, our clothing, and even our health products.

Now, bacon-mad America has hit full-on swine insanity with the recent introduction of two ridiculous bacon products: bacon-flavored condoms, and bacon-flavored sunscreen.

Let’s take a minute to think about that.

Picture Sports Illustrated model Kate Upton slathering up to sunbathe on the beach. The sunscreen glistens on her skin, and she lays out on the towel and shoots you the eyes.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton on the beach topless

Teenage dream. Wow.

Now, imagine the smell of her freshly-applied bacon sunscreen. Here you have one of the most attractive women in the world laying on the beach in front of you, bathing in the sun and smelling like a sizzling strip of peameal.

But maybe you don’t mind. I mean, it’s Kate Upton, right? And it’s just you and her on this tropical island beach.

Yeah, did I mention you’re the only two people on this island? You’re shipwrecked, or whatever. Just go with it.

Sure, Kate smells like bacon, but now she’s calling you over.

“Look what I’ve got,” she says, and she reaches under the towel and produces a little square wrapper.

It’s a bacon-flavored condom, and she’s giving you the CFM eyes.

But dude, it’s a bacon-flavored condom.

bacon flavored condoms

For reals!

You can’t even bring yourself to make a bad sausage joke. All you can think of is that once you put this thing on, your weiner roast is going to start smelling like a pig in a blanket.

And it’s quite possible that the pork prophilactic will leave a lingering smell.

For you.

And for Kate.

So I’ve just killed your attraction to Kate Upton, haven’t I?

Sorry. But some people find bacon sexy.

Bacon Bikini model hot

America, you so crazy.

Unfortunately, these products are very real.

Seattle-based JD Foods thinks sex and bacon go together like… well, like cheese and bacon, apparently.

“Make your meat, look like meat” is the JD Foods condom slogan, and they’ve come out with whole a line of “sexy” bacon products to go with it, including a bacon-flavoured lubricant for those intimate moments when a bottle of Crisco just won’t do.

Bacon Lube for sex

Great for porking.

This is not to say JD Foods is completely out to lunch on the bacon craze. They’ve got many other bacon products, some of which actually make sense. Their baconnaise, for example, is perfect for vegetarians looking to make a BLT, and a dash of bacon salt to french fries sounds like it would be delicious.

Bacon popcorn is understandable, and if you’re a liftetime paperpusher, or if you’re sending out wedding invitations, why not put your letters in bacon-flavored envelopes?

But many of the products cross the line.

Bacon-flavored lip balm, for instance, brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

There’s bacon toothpaste, bacon soda, bacon baby formula and even bacon air.

It’s weird, overindulgent and often gross, but JD Foods knows they’re being ridiculous, so it’s all in good fun. Thanks to them, you can bring the sizzle to every aspect of your daily life.

Portrait of Kevin Bacon made out of bacon

Kevin Bacon would be proud.

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